i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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