My liver just broke up with me...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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