I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
