In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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