I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
