I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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