I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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