Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
