doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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