don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
