just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
