I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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