i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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