I smell stomach acid.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
