sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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