I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
