they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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