JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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