he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
