Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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