Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
