I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
