Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
