I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize