i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
