Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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