i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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