My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
