new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
