I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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