did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
