I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize