I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
