The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
