Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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