i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
