I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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