My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
