the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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