mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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