Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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