Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
