Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize