he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize