You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
