i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
