May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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