He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
