Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
