Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
