smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
