I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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