i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
