were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
