Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
