Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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