you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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