you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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