Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
