So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
