I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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