I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
