can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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