i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
