Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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