I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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